Did you ever experience pain? Do you know how it feels? How it tastes? How it looks like?
No I’m talking of pain in the literal meaning of the word.
Pain feels painful. Yes there is a word in the English
dictionary to express what pain feels like and yet it falls much short of the
magnitude of the actual feeling. It tastes somewhere in the blend of extremes
of bitterness and sour. And it looks like the blood-eyed monster that came to
haunt you during your childhood when you were sleeping. Remember that face? You
better don’t.
Ask a patient of cancer. He knows what pain is like. Ask a
patient who has received a chemo therapy treatment. Not the dreamy eyed lover
who just got a sting at love. Ask someone who has lost a limb. Ask them how
they felt like at that particular moment. The lover would only answer you with
rhetoric and metaphors. The patients would give you a graphical display of
pain, one that might even scare you.
Have you felt afraid? Have you been scared, ever? What do
you fear? And why do you fear that? Do you have the answers? Have you ever even
taken some time off to think about these? No, you’re right. They serve no
purpose. You are happy the way you are. But what if!
I have never indulged myself in any physical quarrels since
I felt pain the first time. I have always been afraid of pain and I still am. I
do not drive a car or a motor bike recklessly. I fear I would get hurt if I
were to have an accident. I am not scared of what the consequences of an
accident would be (people might get killed) but that I would get hurt. That
some skin will peel off and scars will be there on my body. That would make my bathing and washing a
challenging job.
I have always been away from any possibilities of getting
hurt. No, that doesn’t mean that I am too scared to be committed in a
relationship. That is a risk that I can take. Its not that I’m not afraid of
its failure; its just that the pain that I would feel if it fails would not be
literal. And there are lots of ways to overcome them.
I give regular
sermons to my friends and acquaintances to follow my theory of risk taking.
It’s simple, you see. If you ever happen to be in a situation where you might
have to engage in a physical fight, my advice is to not go there. Even of you
do, and win, you actually lose. This is because before you are engaged, you had
a perfectly functioning body and after the fight, even with one punch you
receive, you actually are entitled to some pain.
Today, once again, I feel painful. I see the eyes of the
monster, the bloody eyes. And I feel scared. It’s good in a way. You remember
some experiences you chose to forget and you are reminded why you chose to
forget them in the first place. Your spirit feels enkindled. I still don’t know
how wonderful that might me because I’m still dealing with the pain, gulping
and chomping on pain killers. I heard that painkillers could be used for
getting high and I only hope that I can get high at the moment. Nothing would
be as calming.
She’s getting closer. May be she will embrace me with open
arms in a matter of a few moments. May be I will find soothing shelter in her
arms. Or may be she could just turn away. May be it is just a show. Optimism is
my only way out right now. I need to optimistic. I cannot afford to drift away.
I will have to wait for her. And believe that she will come.
I really need her. I need to get High. Only her High-ness
can save me at the moment.
O what bliss belief is! O she heard me!
I would have to make the most of the time till I will be
able to save this document for good. So here I go. Into her arms. Her warm
breath is hailing closer. I can feel her scent.
Off I go.
Till later!
